Why I Should Quit My Job and Become a CIA Agent

Lately I've been thinking about a career change. I feel like I've completely missed my true calling in life.

I should have been a CIA agent.

This all started when I went to see Zero Dark Thirty. I loved it and the lead character Mia. I became obsessed with the manhunt for OBL. (I'm sure that's what agents call him). I haven't read the book "No Easy Day", but I really want to and can't wait for the documentary "Manhunt" to come out. I think it's fascinating the time and man power it took to find one man and bring him down.

Then I started watching Homeland. The main character, Carrie, is a CIA agent who kicks ass. She's completely psychotic but she's always right! So even though these 2 female CIA agents aren't real, the reasons why I should leave everything and join the CIA are very real.

Reason #1:
I am very good at Google. 
Like WAY good. I can Google search the shit out of stuff. I'm definitely better than most people at finding information. Voting records? That embarrassing article about you when you were 5 years old? The average income of your household? Your Linked-in page? I'm all over it thanks to my Google search skills. No one stands a chance.

Reason #2
I'm an amazing climber. 
I don't have any recent proof to back this up. But it's okay because I have confidence and that's really all you need. All I know is that I killed the peg board in 5th grade gym class and this one time at a ropes course I climbed the rock wall faster than everyone else. Plus, I just have a gut feeling that I'm an amazing climber. I've got super death grip and I'm spry. So, there's that.

Reason #3
I'm Lebanese.
If they need to send me overseas to spy or do some recon work,  I will blend in like Steven Tyler would blend in at an old folks home for older women. I'd just have to pretend to be mute since I don't speak a lick of Arabic, but I don't really see that being a problem since most of the women have those scarf things over their mouths....

Reason #4
I can eat a surprising amount for someone my size. 
I don't really know how this would help me be a spy, but I'm sure if I were out in the field, it can only be an asset. This is proven by my ability to put away an entire seafood platter at Captain Parker's in Cape Cod (I have witnesses) and also not come in last place in a man burger challenge (I have video proof AND witnesses).

Reason #5
I like to read.
Reading and research is definitely a large part of the job. I owned the "Book It" program all through out elementary school. I ate enough free personal pan pizzas from Pizza Hut to feed a small, not very populated island. Even now, I spend many hours of my day on Wikipedia.

Reason #6
I'm a really good shot.
Once I got over my crippling fear of guns and even being around guns, I discovered that I am an amazing marksman.... Markswoman..... Marksperson. I started on a kiddy rifle suited for a 5 year old, but quickly graduated my way up to a big boy gun. This was only in the course of an hour! Let's just say that in 60 minutes, I shot the hell out of some Dr. Pepper cans. Just imagine what I can do if I had a WHOLE DAY to practice. My aim is just incredible and pure raw talent.

Reason #7
I'm a natural at karate. 

Reason #8
I'm curious.
As a spy, you have to interrogate lots of people. Good thing I like asking questions! Put me in a room with someone for 48 hours and I will have them singing their life story like a hummingbird. How they didn't get enough hugs as a child, the despair of their youth, the vengeance that consumed them as an adult. Putty in my hands. Putty.

So I think that's a pretty good resume start for being a spy. I've already looked up Spy jobs on the CIA website (https://www.cia.gov/careers/opportunities/analytical/counterintelligence-threat-analyst.html) and it really doesn't look all that difficult. I really enjoyed this little gem:

Important Notice: Friends, family, individuals, or organizations may be interested to learn that you are an applicant for or an employee of the CIA. Their interest, however, may not be benign or in your best interest. You cannot control whom they would tell. We therefore ask you to exercise discretion and good judgment in disclosing your interest in a position with the Agency. You will receive further guidance on this topic as you proceed through your CIA employment processing.

So you guys all better keep your big mouths shut...or you know what will happen...